i just want to get fucked up. i want to drink and smoke until i cant feel anything. im sad. being back here makes me sad. i feel lost. i feel lonely. i feel like a failure, having to move home and leave everything behind. i barely leave the house. i need a job. i need something to occupy my time. i need to get laid. i need to see a fucking sunset.
part of me wants to drop out of school and pursue bartending. i think i could make enough money to travel and live the nomadic lifestyle ive always craved. bartending could fuel my vagabond heart.
Reality wavers here. Here along the tree line. Here in this mountain town. Life is steady and boring. Tragedies break the monotony. Suddenly you are thrown backward after trying so hard to push forward. Perhaps this is life, but not a life I want. I know I must leave, but a piece of me will linger here. Occasionally a fog settles in the valley of the highway. Tonight it is thick-twisting and swirling in the shadows of dusk. The rain has stopped, but I can’t help but feel that the worst is still on its way. It is strange-the way we can love a thing and still long for something else. How can it be possible to miss what you still have?
Hey all. I don’t know if you remember me (considering its been several years since I was active on this blog), but I’m Sam. I’m 22 now- I started this blog when I was 15 and in a very unhealthy mental state. I was in a house with abusive parents, was deeply closeted, and desperately needed to escape my circumstances. Tumblr became my lifeline for a while. I met a lot of great people through this blog who helped me through some very hard situations, and to be frank, saved me from taking my own life on more than a few occasions. When I turned 18 and graduated high school, I got my chance to leave it all behind and I took it. I moved to a tiny town in the foothills of the Sierra Nevadas and started college. I was totally alone. It took me a long time to adjust. I had no friends, no connections, and felt totally free for the first time. I made a life here, and am soon leaving it all behind again to begin a new chapter.
Truthfully, I don’t know why I’m being drawn back to this blog after leaving it for so long. I’ve done a lot of growing, a lot of soul-searching, and am constantly evolving into the person I want to be. Another part of my life is ending, and I feel as if I’ve gone through some sort of grand transition over the course of these 4 years. I have a few months left here in the forests of Northern California, and then I’m headed back to the sunny skies of soCal. I’m solid in who I am for the first time, and it feels so good- it feels like I can return home as a whole person instead of handfuls of broken parts.
If I’m being real, I think I just want somewhere to be vulnerable again. This blog was always my place for that, and it only feels right to repurpose this thing that used to be an outlet for suffering into a place where I can reflect and continue to grow. So, my plans for this blog are not to start reblogging endlessly again, but to begin treating it more as a diary, even if no one sees it. It’s going to be for me, but I hope that people feel they can reach out as well. I want folks to be able to find comfort, connection, and humor in my writing as time goes on.
-2/17/18
